Hands of Light Ministry ®

For the last year I have felt lost. Felt like the path I was on no longer existed. Felt displaced. Found myself no longer doing things I thought I loved doing. Have you ever felt this way?

When I was growing up I was not much of a reader. I always felt I read slowly. Never felt good enough. What changed?

I embarked on a journey to discover my true purpose. Yes, I always knew and know that I have a gift for helping people heal; however, somewhere along the line I forgot to heal myself. Sometimes we go about our busy lives helping others or volunteering our time at church or school or other activities and we lose sight of ourselves.

This is what happened to me last year. I was giving and giving with love and without any expectations in return. I loved serving as one of the assistant ministers. However, I also served as the sound person, the bookkeeper, usher and on occasion the Sunday speaker in addition to the Wednesday speaker and facilitator. Well every kept telling me that I can’t do it all and I shouldn’t try. Hay everyone knows when we believe we can we can. It is when we no longer believe that something swifts inside us and we stop believing. I stopped wanting to do it all. I felt that I was not being supported and I began to feel taken advantage of. Unfortunately I let things build in my mind and I let my emotions get out of hand. I tend to hold things in until I no longer can and something triggers my unsaid words. Not necessary in a good way.
Last November I made a decision to leave my church after a board meeting in which I felt disrespected and not valued. I felt that I was judged not knowing what I was doing because a guest speaker was unhappy that I as the sound person signaled him to wrap up his talk at the time the service should have been done. I had been signaling speakers for over a year; however, I learned that there needs to be an understanding which I thought we had. I was mistaken. However, the way it was conveyed to me hurt very deeply considering that I had been asking and repeatedly promised that someone would learn the system so I would not need to do it any longer. Made me decides to walk away. I know I should have held my cool. Made different choices. I wish I could have. My intention that day was to walk away forever which is something I have been doing most of my life in these types of situations.

I spent nine months in relative seclusion from church because a part of me died that day. The part of me that gave all that I am to see that the service went smoothly. I now see the pattern. I now see that I can step away but sometime the only way to get others to step forward is to leave that space for someone else. When I could no longer be counted upon to do everything as everyone continued to point out to me others had to step up and take charge.

I tend to leave and not go back primarily because it is too painful and hurtful to do so. I have prayed. I have meditated and sought answers as to how I can do things differently. It is only in the silence that I found those answers. I know that we all look outside our selves. We look outside ourselves for Love, respect, joy, peace and understanding. However, we have within ourselves all the answers as long as we remember who we are. We are connected to God. I know at the level of my Soul this is true but how many of us believe this.

Update:

Sometimes patterns return to show us or remind us that when we leave and then allow ourselves to be talked into returning to a situation that did not serve us. I returned and later left and I have no regrets.

My calling is working individually with people in need and wish to develop their Spirituality. I love to pray and teach others to pray and to heal themselves by turning within to the higher wisdom self that knows what is best for us.

Happy New Year.
Rev. Linda